CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

THE END

There was no doubt about it, I was dead. My head had gone through the windshield and..., well, take my word for it, I was dead.

None of this "Near Death Experience," business, either. Oh, I could see my body alright, and I was floating overhead watching them pick up the pieces, but that was one reason I was so positive I wouldn't be going back - I mean, there was my crushed skull and all that blood...

Trust me, I was stone, cold dead.

The tunnel of light business is still valid when you die for real. This intensely bright light pulled me inexorably onward, and I could even feel the motion. It was very fast, and very cool. So cool, I thought I should be shivering or something, but I was very relaxed and discovered it didn't really matter.

I could feel. Oh yes, I could feel. It was something like wind as I moved down the blinding white vortex, but my eyes didn't sting like they used to during a storm. The coolness was strangely calming - comforting.

While the white tunnel seemed to be all around me and yet untouchable, the thought occurred to me that I should have a sense of falling, or vertigo, or something. That was not the case. I didn't worry about hitting anything and being hurt...it was almost as if invisible cushions were supporting me.

My mind was being supported, that's for sure! I have never felt to comfortable in my mind as I did those few first minutes after I died. It went beyond the word "relaxation," and even past the word "peace." I guess the word "freedom" would be the closest humans would understand. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from wondering what was up ahead. Freedom from worrying about what I had left behind. It was so comforting, I didn't care if this part of the journey ended or not.

As I floated down the tunnel of brilliant light, all my negative thoughts were gone. They didn't matter anymore. For one brief flash through my forehead, all the years of pain lumped into one searing red light. Then, as I felt these horrible thoughts behind my eyes, a ball of thought in the back of my head overwhelmed the flash. There was an almost audible "pop," as the ball confirmed what I had always been afraid of; "When you die, your thoughts will change, and the things that are so very important to you alive, will be different." I had resented that philosophy very much. Resented and even hated the thought we would be somehow different in our minds in the hereafter. Now, it didn't matter. Now, If I had wanted to, I could have indexed and re-experienced all those negative thoughts, but I didn't need to. I didn't want to. The flash was overcome by the ball, and it didn't matter anymore. It was all over in a brief second, and again, my mind found peace.

The person who greeted me could have been Christ, but I don't think so. Oddly enough, it didn't matter. The light from his face would have been blinding on earth - I would have squinted in pain - but here, it was natural and inviting. I was not afraid of him. His robes were also of intense whiteness. He was very comforting to be with as he enfolded me in his arms. Warmth radiated from him into me, and I remember thinking, "This is what resurrection must be like." My body actually felt warm - still comfortable like in the tunnel, but now I was very warm.

I didn't want to leave his presence, but something calmed my mind enough to allow me to be guided by him over to where a group of people was gathered. As much as I didn't want to leave the comfort of my greeter, I soon saw that the group of people included my mother, my father, and my Dad's mother.

When I was alive, I still talked to my mother two years after she was dead. There were times on earth when I hated her, but after she died, I missed her terribly. I had figured our reunion would be filled with tears, and it was. But the heart-wrenching sobs I had predicted didn't come about. Instead, we held each other and our minds melted together, expressing all the years of pent up feelings in one rush of understanding. There was no need to talk. We resolved everything in one surge of ultimate communication.

We didn't need to talk, but I had to say something. I had to say, "I love you," out loud. It came out soft but powerful. We held each other.

I sensed my father holding both of us. Again, the years of fighting and hatred didn't even figure in the equation. His arms seemd to be holding just me, but there was three of us together in one emotional mass of understanding and intense love.

Then grandma was holding me. Again, the wordless communication of appreciation and one-ness.

More friends. On earth, I would have had a heart attack at seeing the number of people who genuinely cared enough to welcome me. I had hated life so much, and had been so inside myself - so selfish - I had never allowed love into my life. Now, it was natural. And very welcome.

It was hard to tell where we were. It definitely wasn't clouds. Yet, there were no walls. No defined borders of any kind. We were close enough to the earth - maybe we were still on the earth - just in a different plane of existence. There was no definable color, either. Not blue. Not white - at least not white as I knew it on earth. Colors, boundaries, time - these things didn't really exist. It was more of a "feeling" than of sensory impressions. That isn't to say it was a psychedelic "trip," either. Soft, but comfortable. Heck, you'll just have to experience it for yourself!

The greetings and family reunion developed into individual reminiscences. Those who have had Near Death Experiences report their friends and family - while very happy to see them - don't give them as much time as they want because they realize the subject is going back to earth life again. For those of us who are "really" dead, however, the reunion takes a little longer. Remember though, there is no such thing as time. I just knew we would be together forever, and it felt good. We would come together "later."

However time is judged, we did eventually finish the initial re-uniting, and I had the feeling something new was about to happen. A man with a pure white beard and dazzling white robes sort of faded into the picture and I could tell he wanted to move on.

There was no sense of actual movement, and we sort of melted into a different place where we were alone together. He looked me square in the eye. I could still see him clearly, but at the same time, my brain stared to swirl and I could feel my inner "sense" being pulled out of my back. I blinked.

During that blink, my eyes saw an immense panorama as my entire life became a movie in front of me. An image on the left would melt into one on the right. Some of the images lasted longer than others. No matter how intricate or how simple the memory, I understood everything as I reviewed what had been my life on earth.

I came to realize this was an evaluation - a preliminary judgement, if you will. My guide was not my judge. God was not my judge. The only person involved in this intense overview was myself.

These personal recollections were very emotional, and I was glad I was not really inside them - living them again. Some memories were too spiteful - even cruel. It seemed there were too many times when I hurt those I loved. Too many times I cut off my own progress and self-destructed. Too many times when I called God names, and swore in His face.

There was no way to look away from these images. I couldn't close my eyes - which were already closed - or "shut down" the vision. You cannot escape judgement. Praise God, however, there were a few good images - a few times when I had felt good about myself, my fellow man, and God. The birth of my children provided six emotionally positive experiences, for example. Each gave me tears of joy, just as the previous images had given me tears of anguish.

Instinctively, I knew this was just a quick review, but it was very thorough as far as my emotions were concerned. There just didn't seem to be enough positive experiences to totally outweigh the bad. I knew I was lacking. If this was to be my final judgement, well, I couldn't hope for very much.

As the replay ended, I felt strangely calm. Even though I had not performed on earth even to my own expectations, somehow, I had the feeling the future would allow me the opportunity to make corrections. As I opened my eyes, my guide was still staring straight into me. This time, however, there was warmth and compassion I had not noticed before. I knew there was more responsibilities ahead, but for now, I felt as if tight ropes around my chest had been released, and my heart burned. I felt a tremendous sense of relief.

My guide turned his head. The "scenery" didn't change - there wasn't any - but the atmosphere was different. I knew we were about to enter another stage.

I discovered I was reclining on a Roman-style lounger. My guide was "sitting," I guess, but I didn't see a chair or anything. There was no wonder about how things were being done or what laws of physics were being applied. My mind was too much at peace and too comfortable to be concerned about such things.

"You have thoughts about what you would like to do next," said my guide without speaking.

I was surprised to find that up until that very moment, I actually had not given the "future" any thought whatsoever.

"Ah, yes," I replied. Trying to think about all those heavenly desires that had been so important to me before. "Yes, I have some pictures of what would make me happy here."

"All our new visitors do. We make allowances for this initial introduction before we make the actual plans for eternity."

"What do you mean?" I asked out loud.

"We will help you through your visions of heaven before you actually settle into your final posistion."

"You mean..."

"Yes. Your view of heaven is your own personal image. Walk through it. Live it. Enjoy it. When you are through, we will progress.

I was ecstatic! Again, I blinked, and everything changed; my guide was gone and I was comfortably inside the mind and soul of Leonardo da Vinci.

Please don't misunderstand me; I had not turned INTO Leonardo, I was INSIDE him. Unobtrusively and unfelt, I became a part of the greatest mind the earth had ever known! Definitely not reincarnation. Definitely not spiritual possession. While I was able to feel, and taste, and sense absolutely everything he did, I was not him, and he was not me. It was wonderful!

Leonardo da Vinci! My hero! Oh it was absolutely glorious!

Don't ask me the mechanics of how any of this happened - it just did. The chemistry or physics or quantum mechanics or whatever it was that allowed me to share this great man's life, is something I don't pretend to understand. All I know is, I was able to experience everything Leonardo experienced. I know in my mind we will all understand the principles of the universe eventually, and we can compare notes. However it happened, I was there, in Florence in 1469, and Leonardo was 17. His adventure, and mine were about to begin!

I was, ah, he was, apprenticed to Andrea Verrocchio, and it was soon clearly evident who had all the talent! It was wonderful to feel the paintbrush as it moved across the canvas, and to feel the wet clay in his fingers. It seemed so effortless for him to create beauty out of nothing. It flowed from inside him into what ever medium he was working with.

How glorious to paint the altarpiece for the Palazzo Vecchio at age 26! To paint The Adoration of the Magi at age 29! It was all so magnificent, I reveled in soaking up every minute of his life!

There were exceptions, however. If there was something absolutely private in his life that I felt ashamed to witness, I could automatically and instantaneously move to the next "scene" in his life. These moves were accomplished simply by thought, and very automatic.

For the most part, I couldn't bear to excuse myself from almost every waking moment in this great man's life. New wonder after new wonder unfolded in front of me, and I could experience his thoughts as they happened. His impatience when supplies were late. His ability to block out trivial things and concentrate on what was at hand. Above all, his insatiable appetite for more: more knowledge, more time, more ability to communicate his tremendous thought processess to those who were obviously not capable of understanding him. As each magnificent project was completed, I expected him to take satisfaction in creating another masterpiece, but no, it was never enough.

When he started a huge horse statue for Duke Lodovico Sforza in Milan, I thought he would be satisfied. He never finished it. As he planned festivals, painted portraits, and delighted all those fortunate to be near him, I expected some feeling of accomplishment. But no, hardly did he dive into one project than he started two or three more.

Art wasn't enough. He swallowed mechanics, engineering, mathematics, biology, physics.... He became almost obsessed with anatomy, daring even to explore cadavers by cutting them apart. All this while creating beautiful murals and paintings.

And his writings! Has ever man breathed who could create on paper the thoughts and sketches of this man! It was miraculous to feel the quill flow from right to left as his imagination was captured for posterity. Oh, Leonardo wasn't writing for mankind - he was just insatiably curious; so brilliant, so intelligent. Often, I had to "sit back" in awe of this creative genius.

As I said before, I spent almost every waking moment with Leonardo; from age 17 until his death 50 years later in France. It was mostly a blissful delight for me. Even when there were troubles, or he was angry, or impatient, I was delighted to be sharing this time with the greatest mind of all time.

In the quieter moments, when I could reflect on what was happening - while still being intimately involved with Leonardo's creation - it came to my mind that this was the foundation of godhood. Leonardo was using far more brain power than most humans, and yet, even with all his genius, there were still untapped areas he could have developed. Could have, if given the time. Eternity is nothing but time. Opening the mind to learn all there is about how things work in the universe - and opening the mind to developing every talent available to us - this is godhood.

I "left" Leornardo with mixed feelings; sorry that chapter had ended, but at the same time shaking with excitment at what lay ahead of me.

My next visit was with Howard Carter, the Englishman who discovered Tutankhamen's tomb. I joined him at age 18 as he started his official training in Egyptian excavation. As excited as I was to be with him at the greatest archeological discovery ever made, I enjoyed the process of learning the craft and getting to understand what made him "tick" inside.

He was 49 in November 1922 when he descended those famous steps and crept toward those ancient bricks. As he removed just enough bricks to allow a light through the opening, his fellow workers anxiously asked, "What do you see? What do you see?"

It took him countless minutes to be able to find his voice and reply, "Wonderful things! Many wonderful things!"

Wonderful indeed! It was if the millennia of time stood still and we actually breathed the same air and touched the same artifacts the ancient Egyptians handled! No wonder he was paralyzed with amazement!

I couldn't resist the temptation, and without a moments thought, "transferred" to Tutankahmen himself. I "arrived" at the moment the former Tutankhaten ascended the throne at age nine in 1361 B.C. I don't know who was more awed by what was going on, the little king, or myself! The riches and power of the Egyptian state were incredible.

I stayed with the king until he died at age 18, and immediately went back to the exact moment I had left Carter. I wanted to experience all the mystery this unique excavation unearthed. There were times when my own natural impatience wanted to shout the answers to Carter - to guide his eye to the proper hieroglyph or his hand to the beloved toy of the king.

My last years with Carter were not happy ones. They were not at all what I expected, in fact. In my quest for experience and knowledge, however, I stayed with him through it all, until he died 17 years later.

As with Leonardo and Tutankhamen, there were always moments in Carter's life I considered none of my business. At such instances, I would skip to a different time, and allow my "host" the privacy dictated.

Since Leonardo was my first "visit," I lived through many more private experiences with him, than I did with subsequent hosts. Still, I was quite descrete, even with him. Whenever possible, I wanted to spend as much time with each subject as I could, even during mundane times, quiet times, and times of depression or anxiety. In this way, I learned we all had some things in common. These shared thoughts taught me how foolish I was during my own lifetime to consider myself as always alone and uniquely cursed with my own personal "disasters." I learned how selfish my earthly thoughts had been. How grandiose I had considered myself; that my suffering was different - no one had ever suffered as much mental anguish as I had suffered. How stupidly selfish!

My adventures didn't end with these outstanding individuals. For different amounts of time I hopped, skipped, and jumped through all the people I had admired and been curious about. I could stay for years, or just minutes. I could leave Alexander the Great at the peak of his conquests, or stay long enough to feel the incredible despair of Edgar Allan Poe.

I loved the time spent with Thomas Edison, as moody as he was; the years spent with Thomas Jefferson designing and tinkering with Monticello; the fun times with Marilyn Monroe and Cisey Spacek.

I was there with Jim Brown as he continued his push through those beefy linebackers.

I was there with Merlin Olson as he spun around puny linemen and tackled the runners.

I was there with Michael Jordon as he stuffed ball after ball through the hoops.

From sports legends to intense thinkers. From artists to musicians. As I moved back and forth through time, I found my love for music became more and more a part of my desires. While alive, I had been unable to master any musical instrument or my voice. Now, I spent delicious days creating with people like Buddy Holly, John Williams, and Grace Slick. I spent years with both Bach and with Mozart.

I was there with Janis Joplin at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967.

I was there with Jimi Hendrix at Monterey as he set his guitar on fire; with him at Woodstock when he made his guitar scream through the Star Spangled Banner.

I was there with Elvis on the Ed Sullivan Show; with Elvis at Graceland as he tried to figure out what had gone wrong.

I was there, bouncing back and forth between Linda Davis and Reba McEntire as they performed a beautiful a duet together.

I lost myself in the minds and wonderment of all my musical heros and heroines. I drank it all in like a thirsty sailor lost at sea.

As my ecstacy continued, I knew my ultimate objective would be to spend as much time as possible with my greatest idol. Even above Leonardo, I had always wanted to share the life and times of the greatest rock musician in history. I had watched every moment of his career, and wanted to be by his side for over 30 years. Now, I could do more than be with him - I could actually become him! I was already flying, but now I could soar!

I joined Paul McCartney June 15, 1956 when he was 14 years old. That was the day he met John Lennon.

Those early days were so wonderful for me, but Paul couldn't appreciate the setbacks and disappointments as much as I did. I knew what was waiting; I knew the phenomenal statistics and the incredible success that lay just five and one-half years into the future. Even when Paul was so upset because their demo tapes had been turned down, I smiled inside knowing how foolish those record executives would feel!

I stayed with Paul as much as possible, experiencing everything he did. As with Leonardo, I only "left" during the most personal of moments. I wanted to soak up as much of the sweat, the tears, and the joy of being Paul McCartney as I possibly could.

Most of all, I wanted to be involved in the creativity - the absolute magic of experiencing music being born.

Ah yes, "music being born!" What a delightful phrase as it rolls off the tongue! What intense delight to actually experience it! Not once, not twenty times, but literally hundreds of times! Spurts of inspiration. Scribbling notes in the oddest of places and times, and then fleshing out the brief idea into a glorious piece of music!

Of course, not all the pieces were masterpieces, and Paul would often be dissapointed when certain songs didn't live up to the hope he had for them when first conceived. There were times when one song or another caught the public heart and became popular even though Paul or John had "just thrown it together." Those were delightful moments!

And the people! The crowds! The Beatlemaniacs! Now that is something everyone should have in their suitcase of experiences!

There was a time when Paul was alone at home with the piano and a tape recorder. Just sort of experimenting - drifting around the keyboard.

It was so incredibly beautiful - to be creating music. If they had been my eyes, I would have been crying. I was so intensely happy as my - Paul's - fingers danced around those piano keys!

When I was alive, I had so wanted to be able to play music. My mother tried to help. She knew it was important. As poor as we were, somehow she managed to rent a violin for me. I must have been under twelve. Later, she rented a guitar for me. And then a clarinet.

She played a beautiful black and white accordion, and eventually managed to scrape up a piano. It was no use.

Either my brain was too thick, or my hands were. I could never play anything. All my life I had touched, fondled, and caressed musical instruments. Always with the same putrid results.

Now, I could actually feel my fingers caress the keys! I was not only playing, I was actually creating music! It was so wonderful. Above any drug induced high. Above any wildly imagined dream-come-true hallucination! It was real!

At this stage in his life, Paul no longer felt the elation of creation, but he too, was happy. It was a very good session, and he turned off the tape recorder with a very satisfied twist of the wrist.

I could feel "our" fingers around the control knob of the recorder. If I had been "in charge," I probably would have twisted that knob completely off in my euphoria. Paul gave it a good solid turn, and in the next motion grabbed Linda around the waist.

She snuggled into him. Without speaking, the looked into each others eyes and then kissed.

I "blanked" out. This part was none of my business. As I had done so many times before, I turned off and faded to black.

Only this time, it was different. This time, I could still feel the warmth of their bodies as they pulled themselves closer together. Their love sent chills all through me.

Now, it hit me hard. The thing I had pushed to the back of consciousness while alive, rushed into my brain in one gigantic flood of pain.

From ecstacy to deep, black despair.

Love. Love of a companion. Devoted love. Love that didn't need to make excuses. Love that couldn't find fault. Sacred love. It had never been mine while alive. Now, as I hid in the black of eternity, my heart pained me as fiercely as it had while I was on earth.

Many times while alive, these pains had hit, and they had thrown me into suicidal depressions. Now, there was no where to go.

The black parted. I hadn't willed it. This time, it just happened.

I found myself back on the same couch reclining in the exact same position before I had begun my excursions. My guide was "sitting" in the exact same position on his invisible chair. It was as if I had never left.

Now, you must understand, I had been gone for hundreds of years. I had spent decades with Leonardo da Vinci. Years with Jefferson. At each nook and cranny of various peoples lives, I would think of some new and exciting development or invention I wanted to be a part of, and "presto," I would move into the next person.

And here I was, right back at what appeared to be the same instant I had left! Time just doesn't exist over here!

There wasn't even time to reflect on what had happened before I felt the thoughts of my guide ask me, "What is wrong?"

I knew he knew what was wrong. He was just being polite.

I spoke out loud. "A companion. I have sought all my live for an eternal companion I could love and trust. One who would collapse in my arms and hang on to me and who would know instinctively I could give her everything she needed to be happy. When I found her, my pet name for her would have been 'Angel,' no matter what her real name was."

My guide said nothing, but I could sense he was a willing listener.

"There were times," I continued, "when I thought all I wanted in life was just someone to hold. Someone to give all my love to, without any conditions of any kind. Someone who wanted, no, needed, love as badly as I did, and who would run into my arms. Our eyes would meet...."

I couldn't go on. The pain returned in overwhelming waves.

I don't know how long I was lost in my thoughts. Tears? Well, yes, and no. I couldn't help but sob and rain painful tears, but as I came out of the deepest pain, I wiped away what seemed only a few drops from my eyes. I didn't understand the chemistry of it all, or care, for that matter.

Next, the most amazing thing that you can possibly imagine transpired - in gossamer, like a dream. But it wasn't a dream! It was real!

From the silky mist, a small, slender figure appeared, gliding toward me. As the figure came closer and closer, my heart swelled larger and larger until I was sure my entire body was going to explode. It was her!

No, no, it was! I swear to you - it was her!

The tremendous grief I had felt just minutes before, now became the most intense joy man has ever experienced. All the joys of creating music and art seemed like nothing compared to this overwhelming love. If it had been possible, my heart would have burst with joy, and I would have died the happiest man that had ever lived!

Well now, my children, I have left this message with your great grandfather Smith. He assures me that you will receive and understand every word and every meaning contained in it. I believe him.

The only way you will receive this message is by coming to where we are. Then you can see all this for yourselves!

Meanwhile, Angel and I are off to a very far region of the universe where no one will be able to bother us. I don't have any idea how long we will be gone, but trust me, it will be long enough to get to know one another!

Since time has no meaning here, I'm sure we will be back in time to greet you, even if we are gone a thousand years.

When we get back, there is quite a bit of business to tend to. I am very anxious to learn all I can about every subject there is. I've been assured that will be possible - even encouraged. Good. The second best part of heaven is learning all there is to learn, right?

There will be a final review, and then we will choose what is next. Whatever it is, as long as Angel is with me, I know it will be the first best part of heaven. I can't wait!

Love,

Dad