My friend Elna Bjorge told me the following story, and I was so impressed with it, I looked it up.
“On my honeymoon I received a call informing me that my father had been found dead. He had been robbed by a hitchhiker and left in the trunk of his car. After a few hours under the hot Texas sun, he died of heatstroke. After the funeral, I wanted to connect with my father, to feel what he might have gone through. With my mother and siblings around me, I got into the trunk of his car and they closed the lid. I saw the marks where he had banged on the roof with a screwdriver. I saw where he had tried to pry open the latch. Then I discovered that he had pulled back one of the rear light encasements to get air. I extended my hand through the hole for a brief moment. As I was pulling my hand back, my brother on the outside said, “See if you can reach around and push the button.” I stretched my arm out the hole and pushed the button, and the trunk opened. We were stunned. If he only had thought of this, he would still be alive. It took my brother on the outside to notice the button. Sometimes you have to step outside the situation you feel trapped in to see that your not trapped after all”---from Mars and Venus: Starting Over by John Gray, Ph.D.
We are so often trapped inside our own box of problems, that we cannot see the solution. At times like that, it is good to have a friend who can pull us outside so we can see things in a different light. Elna has been trying to do that for me.
Chad Holbrook, MSW, told me to envision my black box of problems on a movie screen. It has been my habit for decades to withdraw inside that black box and pull myself inward - shrinking the box smaller and smaller.
"The box is just a small part of the movie," he told me. "It does not fill up the full screen. Life is outside that box. The sky, birds flying, trees. . . .life."
Then Chad took it one step further.
"Now imagine there is an objective, scientific observer in the audience," he said. "This is another part of you, but he is able to communicate with the part of you that is inside the black box. He is telling you to step outside - to see the rest of the world."
John Gray is right. Chad Holbrook is right. We DO need to step outside the box from time to time and get a fresh perspective on life. . . .and even death. The hard part is stopping to take time to look. Most often, we are too involved inside our black boxes to stop and try something else. The box is often SO black, we can't see anything. At times like that, it is helpful to have a friend who is brave enough - loving enough - to gently intervene and invite us to step outside the box.
My mother tried to be that friend to me. Our life was hard - extremely hard - but you would never know by seeing her smiling face. Unfortunately, I never stopped to listen to my mother. I never stopped to smell the roses.
Hey Mister
Where you going in such a hurry
Don't you think it's time you realized
There's a whole lot more to life than work and worry
The sweetest things in life are free
And there right before your eyes
You got to Stop and Smell the roses
You've got to count your many blessings everyday
You're gonna find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road
If you don't Stop and Smell the roses along the way
Before you went to work this morning in the city
Did you spend some time with your family
Did you kiss your wife and tell her that she's pretty
Did you take your children to your breast and love them tenderly
(chorus)
Did you ever take a walk through the forest
Stop and dream a while among the trees
Well you can look up through the leaves right straight to heaven
You can almost hear the voice of God
In each and every breeze
(chorus - twice)
"Stop and smell the roses," by Mac Davis
Elna has cancer. She remains optimistic and upbeat. She has not only stepped outside her own problems, she has taken my hand and invited me to do the same. Thanks, Elna. Maybe this time I'll listen.