Oh, it wasn't for very long - only about seven seconds - but it was long enough to get me thinking.
In the early morning hours of November 4 1999, my heart slowed down slower and slower until it finally stopped. The doctors in the emergency room were doing all they could to keep me conscious, including keeping me talking. Apparently, I kept talking right through everything and I missed my own death. "Impressive," said my lead doctor.
As I came close to passing out when this incident began, my first thought was, "I'm not ready." There were a couple of things I needed to clear up between God and myself. Later, I realized I wanted to clean up a few loose ends with my children as well.
There was another incident November 10. Once again, I fought to stay alive. It would have been easier to just submit to the inevitable and move on. I stubbornly refused. This time, I didn't even go to the hospital, and I kept my heart going by massaging my neck. I still wasn't ready.
In the early morning hours of November 19, I was awakened when my hands and feet starting to tingle one more time. Once again, I refused to let my heart stop. I was wide awake and found it impossible to rest, so I got up and started sending out e-mail messages on my computer. If I was going to die, I wanted my children to know what to do after I was gone. It took a few hours, but I was finally satisfied with what could possibly be my final message and I pushed "enter."
As soon as the key was pushed, I started to loose consciousness again.
I cried out in anguish, "Please Father, not now. Not now."
I overcame the tingling in my body and continued to live.
If I had not been ready to die November 4, by November 19 I had surely done a great deal of preparation and by all rights should have felt comfortable to pass on. Perhaps I am just too cowardly to try something new? Heaven knows, I've backed away from a great deal in my life, it shouldn't surprise anyone to see me run away from death. For whatever reason, I am still alive - for now.
This entire process has surely caused me to think, to reflect, to wonder, and to contemplate. For one thing, colors seem more vibrant. Textures are now in three dimensions. Enjoyment of earthly delights seems more intense. Thoughts of family were always a staple of my mental diet, and that process has only increased. I really want to cuddle and play with my baby granddaughter. It would even be nice if I could fall in love and maybe even have a companion with me in my last years.
Whatever my thoughts on remaining alive, I have also wondered about what I would do if I died. While the hereafter has dominated my thinking since the death of my mother December 18 1992, now my mind wanders a little bit and I reflect on what it might be like to be a ghost.
What would I need to accomplish if I became a ghost?
My first thoughts would be for my family. I would defiantly want to be where they are and would want to influence them and their lives. I would want to protect them by pushing trucks out of their way or by inspiring them to invest in a potential IBM stock portfolio. This holds true for not only my own children, but for my natural and adopted family members as well. I have a younger brother in England I have never met. My older brother asked me not to visit him, even though I have his address and telephone number, and I really want to hang out with my little brother! My mother - Marianne - adopted other children, and although we communicate, I've never had a chance to meet any of them personally. Man, that would be great if I could! One of these "relatives" has had a bad go of it recently, and I surely would love to be there for comfort and inspiration!
Of course, I would love to travel and see things. The pyramids, Mayan temples, Angel Falls, the Great Wall of China........
Wait a minute, ghosts don’t become tourists! In fact, they don't travel at all! Ghosts are very territorial - they are stuck in whatever circumstance they left unfinished when they died. No sightseeing, no hopping about the globe to be with family on three different continents. And when was the last time a ghost was able to prevent a truck from roaring toward a loved one - outside of a movie?
Suddenly, there was no joy in being a ghost.
Since I have no ill-will toward anyone, there doesn't seem to be any reason to haunt anyone either.
Might as well move on.